saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
