He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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