Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
