i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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