clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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