Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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