so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
