I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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