I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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