i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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