we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
