i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
