My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
