I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
