I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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