The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
