dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
