hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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