I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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