who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
