Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
