i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
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Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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