Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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