Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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