maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
