how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
