Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize