Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
