Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
