mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
