I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
