I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
