I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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