I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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