Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
