I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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