Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
