You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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