thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
