i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
