he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
