Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
