saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
