i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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