I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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