i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
