It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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