Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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