It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Randomize
