I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
