Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My breasts were aching with rage.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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