maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
