I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
