How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i would punch a child for taco bell
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
as a side note pls kill me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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