I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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