also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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