I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
