Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
