Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
