I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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