I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My pussy is not your playground.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
