I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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