the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
