The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
