We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
