I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
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The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?