please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
